Consumed, Not Obsessed

My obsession manifested presently in calorie counting (which I justified as gaining information) and weight lifting (research purposes) and spiraled into every aspect of life. 

I was striving striving striving to take control of myself.  

To attempt a summit of the mountain before me. 

Sometimes I was fairly decent at it.  My calories were on track and so was my workout regime.  But who was controlling whom?  I did not feel in control of my heart at all.  This THING had control.  It had become the reason I got up in the morning (to go to the gym). The reason I took every bite (calorie counting).  Every decision was based around this (hit that goal weight).  I was being controlled, not in control. 

When the Lord broke in He said:
The fruit of the Spirit is... SELF CONTROL.

...shame
...condemnation

wait. wait. 


It hit me: self-control was sourced in the Spirit of God.  So if I am connected to His Spirit, the natural outflow is self-control.  Natural.  Orange trees don't strive to make oranges.  Self-control does not mean striving? Where was this striving coming from?  

My obsessive behavior had taken control of me.  It may have appeared to be self-control, but it felt the opposite.  Doing this in my own strength was working out to be lame.  The path I had taken did not lead to any mountain at all, but to a wasteland of self-hatred, self-judgement and disappointment. 

My relationship with the Lord hadn't been the greatest in the last few months.  (Who has time for a quiet time when there are calorie counting numbers to crunch?) My desperation was not for Jesus and I was not fulfilled.  

So I made a decision.

I decided to be consumed with Him.  

I kinda said, "I might as well try Jesus, because this route isn't working out."

Pretty holy of me, right? 

And that's when He started to change things. My desperation for Him grew.  I felt light.  My perspective wasn't so harsh.  As I choose Jesus I could see myself differently.  
I felt... pretty.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I had made a goal for myself that when I reached the goal (the specific weight) (the top of the mountain) I would cut my hair and dye it red.  I didn't tell anyone what these were my plans, it was just some secret motivation tucked away.  

I'm not sure where the idea came from.  I needed a change in a big way, and in my mind red heads are self confident and fun.  They are fun to be around. They are not reserved and they are not afraid.  I wanted that. To have freedom.  But to achieve all that I had to weigh a specific number. Right?

WRONG.

So I dyed my hair.  Actually I got a groupon and had the nice lady at the salon do that.  She also cut it for me. (Which was really scary.  Do you know that the dye goes from pasty white to bright orange before it turns red-ish? I sure didn't. )

(The picture doesn't even give justice to the sunkist glow orange I witnessed appear on my head.)

I was rejecting my expectation for myself.  My hair became a tangible way of agreeing with the idea that I can embrace life right now. Right here on the plateau. 

Maybe the mountain is not a # on a scale.  
Maybe the mountain is BEAUTY.  

One day as a Health and Wellness Consultant I want to come against one of the biggest lies on woman.  The slander of our self-image.  The debeautification of focusing on our physical bodies only.  I want to speak from a place of victory with a voice of authority that WE ARE BEAUTIFUL.  I need to know that for me first.  

I'm not there yet.  I have days that I walk in truth and rock my red hair, and I still have days that I question if I am fooling myself.  But I'm not giving up.  I'm going to keep walking toward that mountain.  I'm going to keep pursuing Jesus.  The images I see daily of "perfect bodies" are difficult for me to process.  The only effective weapon I have found for the visual assault has been choosing Jesus.  There is a hope in His calling.  Hope, riches and greatness of power (Eph 1).  Being consumed isn't quite coming naturally.  I'm having to fight for it.  And in the midst I am seeing a little fruit budding.  My hunch is that it is self-contol. 

Your eyes will see the King in His beauty.

Have you ever hiked to the top of a hill, 

only to discover that it is the bottom of  foothills 

which lead to a taunting, unreachable mountain that lies ahead?  

I think that's where I found myself this month (figuratively speaking). 

I have experienced this in the flesh too.  It's super discouraging. 

The hill I summited was one of health.  I wanted to drop a pant size, be more confident in the mirror, feel stable in my core and be in the kind of shape that I could just hike up a mountain.

I achieved all that.  Shouldn't I be happy?

But atop the hill all I could see was the mountain ahead.  

My mountain was a number on a scale; a specific number of pounds. 

I've never owned a scale.  In the past, I would advise friends to not consult the scale.  It was a non-factor in my health for years.  Until I got a gym membership.  They have a scale in the bathroom.  I was just curious.  Then I made an innocent goal weight with my wonderful husband.  I told him I'd heard the last 5lbs are the hardest.  He scoffed and said, "why not make your goal 5lbs less?  The last 5 would mean nothing. It was so subjective."  

I knew he was being encouraging.  

I knew he didn't care what I weighed.  

He's never seen the numbers.  

But now I had a number.  

It stuck in my brain like a relentless commercial jingle.  

  

(Juicy fruit, it's gonna move ya; 

once you pop, the fun don't stop; 

gimme a break, gimme a break, 

break me off a piece of that...)

I was telling myself that the number on the scale was not important.  (jingle, jingle) But I was lying.  (jingle, jingle)

It had become all too important in my heart. 

Then I started pushing crazy. 

As mentioned in National Treasure:

Ben Gates: But one step short of crazy, what do you get?

Riley Poole: Obsessed.

Ben Gates: Passionate.

I'd say obsessed is the best description for me.  

I started lifting weights, calorie counting, intensifying my workouts. 

Every time I allowed a cheat day or a treat I would badger myself with harsh words,

"Rebecca! You're lack of self-control is appalling!" 
"How will you ever help anyone reach their health goals if you can't reach yours?" 
"You're a fake." 
"Much more of this and you're going to be fat again... look down at that bulging belly."
"You look more like a pregnant woman than a health professional."

The mountain was about more than a number on the scale.
It determined my credibility to become who I long to be.

In the midst of all this I decided to reward myself with a big hair change when I reached the top of the mountain.  Short bangs and red hair.  But I wasn't telling anyone yet.  I didn't know if I'd ever make it there.

My obsession was leading to depression.  My mind was consumed my heart felt sick.
I was notably unhappy.  I didn't even feel like an extrovert anymore.  I wanted to hide in social settings. The shame was wreaking havoc on my soul.

Then the Lord broke in.

(My objective was not to make this a cliff-hanger... my process is just soo long.  I'll write again soon!!)

Learning to be Business Minded

I relate to those pitiful moths that obsessively pursue a porch light until they have no more strength or get too close to the heavenly glow only to be zapped. 

All the world dims and nothing matters but the light.

Often when the Lord directs me to something I pursue it heartily with little adherence to reason.  Sometimes I can even misjudge my blind passion as faith; which may be true in part. 

But, like a moth to the flame, this behavior is not always healthy. 

Presently the Lord is leading me to purse a business.  I began to dream with Him and wrote out ideas and goals.  In the process He showed me Beach Body (the company that puts out workout dvds like Insanity and P90x) and I readily became a coach.  I found myself using hours of time that once had another purpose to fulfill protocol the company thought was best for my business to grow. 

It felt exciting to take the bull by the horns.  But not quite right.  It was exciting, but not fulfilling. 

But God had led me to Beach Body, hadn’t He?

I began to talk people out of buying things.  I really love the workouts.  They have helped me make a change in my life I had long wanted.  But I didn’t like the idea of selling. 

I started seeking the Lord for direction in what He meant by coaching.  

He started answering right away: 

1. A close friend had a dream about me being a Beach Body Coach.  The gist was I don't need to use the Beach Body model.  The way I was going about it was not true to who God made me to be.  The word we ended on was, "gentler."
2. Two days later another friend had a dream about me coaching.  In the dream she was going to run a half marathon, but decided not to, but I wouldn't let her give up.  (Two dreams in three days! I knew this was "dreaming with God," but woah, I guess He was being literal.)
3. Next came a quote from the book I'm reading to the kids:“You can do better than this, Jo.  Aim at the highest, and never mind the money.” –Mr. March in Little Woman. I felt like MY Father was speaking to HIS "Jo", aka Becky Jo. 

I don't have to be afraid.  Its okay that I don't follow the business model others have found success in.  

I may loose money right now. He will guide me.  The road to "success" may begin differently than what makes sense to me.  It may end differently.

It's time to apply Kingdom Principles to my business.  I will invest in people.  For now it won't look much like a business.  The investment may not have have returns that begin with dollar signs.  But in the Kingdom of God the economy is different.  It's a learning curve.  

Set you mind on the things above and not on the things of this earth.  For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.  But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Dreaming Big

Cory and I are not making it financially.  We budget every dollar (almost). We are frugal.  We receive help from the government.  We don't have any medical insurance.  He is working full time and some overtime and pursuing a second bachlers degree because we cannot maintain this lifestyle forever.  And I have felt so useless in this aspect.

I have no marketable skills.

I didn't complete college.  I don't have any specific training.  I never interned.  I don't see myself in any career.  Working for minimum wage would not even pay the sitter.  And I cannot live away from the kids.  I have talked with the Lord about this a lot.  I have told Him I'd do more if He wanted me to, 

but I had NO IDEA what to do.

Until we went to Idaho on vacation.

Fording the river to climb to a waterfall.


Cory and I were talking on our drive to Idaho for our summer family vacation.  Those long drives are often the opportunities for introspection of our marriage, our family and our goals.

We were just updating each other on our lives. I was telling him about the I workout program called Insanity I began and how I became connected with a beach body coach.  (That is a story in itself)

Cory said, "that sounds like something you would be so good at." 

I thought he was teasing.  The name "beach body" sounds pretty awful to me and he doesn't usually get too interested in that sort of thing.

But he wasn't kidding.  He went on to encourage me over and over again about what my strengths and giftings are.  I'm a coach by nature (often to a fault), I'm motivating and inspiring (or so my husband says). I love health and am passionate about helping others on their journey toward healthy living, I love working out, etc.

By the time we reached Idaho my thumbs couldn't keep up with my brain.  Ideas were pouring in and I was trying to catch them on the notepad on my iphone.  

What if I could mentor women in areas like healthy eating, feeding kids well, getting kids involved, meal planning, loosing weight, improving digestion, overcoming sugar additions, living with more energy,  excercise and fitness, etc??

I starting thinking long term.  Cory said I should look into getting some education and certifications in fitness and nutrition.  (That's intimidating.  I'm not the best at smarty pants school stuff like him)

Then my friend who is a beach body coach messaged me about a 5 day free informative class she was hosting about what coaches are and how to become one! I hadn't told her I was interested.  Literally while I was talking to Cory about all of this my phone dinged with the message from her!  

I don't know if Beach Body will be my landing point.  But it may be a good starting point.  And the timing sure seemed special. 

I went to a little mom's retreat a few months ago and spent hours around the table, smiling from ear to ear, teaching them how to soak oat meal, soak beans, make stock, getting probiotics through foods and drinks they can make at home.  It was energizing for me.  I wouldn't need to get paid! My heart is in it, it  wouldn't be about the money.  

But what if, 

just what if 

the Lord was letting me dream. 

Even encouraging me to dream. 

Beginning to fulfill a dream that was certainly there by not fully realized until that moment in the suburban.

That lines up with the way God has been manifesting His love to me lately.  The last season of my life was a very difficult one.  I left it very wounded and empty.  I spent years getting hurt and nursing the wounds, and dealing with recovery.  It was all purposed.  All good. But very inward focused.  And this season has been one of restoration. As I've recognized the healing He has done in my heart and received the things He wanted to give me I have felt freedom.  

Freedom to pursue the desires of my heart. (I actually put it that way just a few weeks ago) 

Someone asked me, 

"what are the desires of your heart?"

I couldn't tell her what my desires are specifically.  I'd been healed, but I hadn't yet let myself discover what I wanted to pursue with this new freedom.  I have no idea what to expect of this or how to make it come about.  I am NOT business minded.  But I am excited. 

It seems surreal.  Like a dream.  But maybe it's supposed to right now.  So now I'm dreaming.  Dreaming big. 

Buckle Your Seat Belts Ladies and Gentlemen...

In preparing for my sugar detox/cleanse/freedom I found myself talking about it quite a bit, and others were interested in joining the bandwagon.

Our food processor needs to be manually held down, but I needed some nut butter, hence the earmuffs.

If you are one of those people you may be asking:

WHAT DID YOU GET YOURSELF INTO?

Well...
The idea is that you need 21-66 days (i think that was the right #) to break an addiction.  The emotional attachment is super deep for me, so I wanted as much time to ease in and get serious as possible.  That's what week 1 is all about.

I am using the format I found in "I Quit Sugar." I like her food philosophy and I like her pace. 

Day after tomorrow, Thursday, May 21st we begin week 1.

Week 1: Cut Back and Stock Up

Basically be aware of how much sugar (fructose in particular) you consume.

If you take 2 teaspoons of sugar with your coffee, try 1 this week.
If you drink diet coke, switch to coke for now.
Just ease in...

As we become intentional about what we eat we are building a new mindset.  I totally believe sugar is bad for me.  It make me fat, it messes with my emotions, my body metabolizes it like alcohol, it's a bad example for my kids, etc.  But does that stop me from eating it?
NO!  Sigh

So week 1 we can all work on eating one donut instead of two from the box at church.

Part B:
Stock your pantry and freezer

Preparing my self for success by adding probiotics, healthy fats, and raw cacao.

Now is the time to get prepared for when the SUGAR hits the fan.

Some ideas:

avocados

eggs

young coconut

almonds (preferable soaked and dehydrated)

nut butters

kombucha 

kefir water or soda

lacto-fermented sauerkraut

Week 2: Get Fat

Sugar creates an addictive cycle of hunger, fatigue and moodiness. It initially spikes blood sugar, causing us to feel energized and happy. But since it's devoid of real nutrition, blood sugar quickly plummets, leaving us tired, hungry and moody. So we reach for more sugar ... how to quit sugar in 5 days

 

Part of the solution is fat.  Fat stabilizes our system.  Though I may not be chronically hypoglycemic, I daily struggle through the craving to treat hypoglycemia type crashes.  

So add fats to your diet as much as possible.  

Spoon coconut oil into your porridge, then top it with nuts.

Just get crazy.  If it's good fat your body knows what to do with it and will not store it.  

Don't worry about that , we have other things to worry about...

Week 3: The Real Deal

 

Now we make the dive into craziness. But we have each other!

No sugar (fructose). Check labels. Be hard core.

  

I love fruit, but in the attempt to recalibrate my system I will abandon it for a few weeks.  

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

I Quit Sugar, Week 3

embracing the vegetable section

For now we will:
-reduce fructose intake
-increase healthy fat consumption

Here are some things I think are worth doing as well:
-take the supplement L-glutamin
-probiotics are a MUST  (we can go into this more soon)
-drink extra water

Oh wow, I'm stoked!

Pandora's Box Must Have Been Filled with Chocolate

You know it's bad when you sing, say prayers, hug and kiss, then RUN out of the kid's bedroom to steal your 3 year old's "potty treats" in a vain attempt to satiate your sugar craving.

The day started well:
Today is our busy day.  I took Cherith in and out of her car seat 12 times, that number would be higher if her big sisters couldn't walk to soccer practice or if I didn't leave her in the car while dropping some others off at science co-op.
Busy can often lead to stress which some how activates the hand-to-mouth mechanism.
But I was prepared.

We had lunch on-the-go:
I had a plan.  I was doing pretty well.
I had a coffee with sucanat before the departure... or wait, did I??
Leaving was so hectic, it's all a blurr now. Either way, I meant to.  I have allowed myself one sweetened, frothy, hot bev a day.
My lunch was cucumbers, tomato and avocado with balsamic vinegar and some seasoning.  There were pumpkin seeds and a carrot too. AND, as insurance, when I juiced this morning I set aside enough to take along for the ride (dandelion greens, cucumbers, beets, oranges and lemon were my ace in the pocket).

I was super proud of myself:
until 3:00pm hit.

I'm not sure what I should have done better.  3:00pm rolls around and nothing felt more pressing than the need to get home and lay in bed.  But that was not a realistic hope.  So immediately the fantasy morphed into: GET SUGAR AND FAST.

Crash: Getting up the stairs to put Nissi to nap sent my head spinning into a headache that lasted for a couple hours.  As soon as the coast was clear I made (another?) coffee with frothed milk and sucanat and devoured a generous slice of the sourdough bread I made yesterday with and even more generous dallop of honey.

This may not seem so bad.  But for me there is not a reliable brakes system in place.

Have you ever gone to an ice cream shop with the fam and made the mistake of letting the baby taste your ice cream?
As soon as the kid gets tipped off to what the creamy stuff in your bowl tastes like...
 that's all your are doing the rest of the time there.
Oh and don't run out of ice cream before it's time to go.
Oh no.
If every moment is not completed with the deliciousness in their mouth anyone in ear shot will bear the consequence of you're "sharing the wealth".

Pandora's box must have been filled with chocolate.  I just realized that... I'm changing my post title

And Burn: I'll skip over some of the details of the next several hours, but now I find myself hiding taffy (potty treat) wrappers in the back side of the trash can so my kids don't bust me in the morning.

I am addicted to sugar.  I have known and fought this for years.

I don't want this for me or for my family.  My philosophy of food and life cannot coexist with this addiction.

So here's my idea. I'm going to quit sugar for 8 weeks.  That's supposed to be the time it takes to fully detox and break the addiction.

Some of my action plans are:
-Blog through the process. This will hold me accountable somewhat and give a sense of purpose.
-Prepare for success with healthy combatant foods like probiotic sauerkraut and hard boiled eggs.
-Trade my joys of sugar for the joys I was intended for (i.e. the reason to look forward to a party ought not to be the cake).
-give freedom to myself as a gift.  I plan to start May 22nd.  My birthday is exactly 8 weeks later.
-... well that's all I've got for now.